|
Post by TealBox on Aug 14, 2005 0:15:57 GMT -5
Both my older brother and younger sister have behavioral disorders, severe cases of ADHD and OCD respectively. We sent both of them to psychiatric hospitals. For the week that they were there they simply followed all the rules the doctors gave them and were sent back home immediately. Once they got home they started acting the way they always had and completely ignored what they had learned. Pretty much what I've learned is that people are in control of a lot what they do. If you send someone to a hospital they'll usually do what they can to get out as soon as possible, but once they're in the comfort of their own home they'll see no need to change.
|
|
|
Post by tjaman on Aug 14, 2005 0:25:13 GMT -5
That's a lot of insight at a very young age.
|
|
|
Post by Charisma69 on Aug 14, 2005 1:13:55 GMT -5
I was just posting from my own decades-old guilt about my agreement at the time to not "tell" anyone. I was this 15-year-old boy carrying around all the emotional crap that a 15-year-old boy has going on in his head all the time anyway along with this horrifying information about a girl who's been sexually abused by her stepfather every day, just about, since she was 5.
That's just a really, really bad situation. First, you don't know what to do except "be there" for her, which means, essentially, you've become her emotional tampon -- she can unload all she wants on you and you've essentially agreed to let her. And you can't talk to anyone because you've promised.
Meanwhile, she's dating people in their 30s and acting out in other ways and you've agreed to shut up about it. Your friends and you are dealing with it in the only way you know how by making fun of her behind her back (let me promise you how hard it was to forgive myself about that part of it, but try to remember I was a damn' child and entirely un-equipped to carry a secret like that around for the two years that I did).
Meanwhile we're at a Christian school. Everyone on staff is more qualified to help her than me and my chuckleheaded idiot friends and when she finally did talk to someone, a huge weight was lifted from us as well.
I didn't mean to suggest anyone needed to be locked up. Just ... in my situation, the girl's mom really stepped up for her and her stepfather was put away and she was able to get some actual counseling about what happened to her. The only reason she ultimately talked to someone was because the guy started abusing her younger half-sister and she had to put a stop to it.
That's not gonna be universal. Sometimes things end up going really badly and I recognize that.
I'm only talking about me and my situation. With me, and in my situation, I wish I'd listened to my heart and ... been that second voice.
Again, just my $.02.
I actually wasn't questioning your advice or the situation you went through. I was just giving Teal another perspective.
In her case it would have been better if she'd gotten help much sooner. That had to be overwhelming for you at that age.
I know too many girls from various stages of my life that went through similar situations. Some of them acted out by sleeping with lots of guys and others didn't.
It always depends on the situation. I'm sorry you had to go through something like that. I hope she's doing better now.
|
|
|
Post by Charisma69 on Aug 14, 2005 1:15:43 GMT -5
Both my older brother and younger sister have behavioral disorders, severe cases of ADHD and OCD respectively. We sent both of them to psychiatric hospitals. For the week that they were there they simply followed all the rules the doctors gave them and were sent back home immediately. Once they got home they started acting the way they always had and completely ignored what they had learned. Pretty much what I've learned is that people are in control of a lot what they do. If you send someone to a hospital they'll usually do what they can to get out as soon as possible, but once they're in the comfort of their own home they'll see no need to change.
That is extremely insightful and so very true. Some people learn how to work the system instead of trying to actually get better. That's another part of the problem.
That's why you have to take each situation separately because what works in one situation won't work in another.
|
|
|
Post by quantumcat on Aug 14, 2005 12:34:00 GMT -5
You have all made excellent,thoughtful statements.
I haven't got anything special to add except maybe this:
I've known quite a few people in the bondage scene.
(For instance,if you go on IRC,you'll meet fewer Horny Net Goons in #Bound_to_Please than in #GospelChat.)
Invariably,the people (tops and bottoms) had control issues in their vanilla lives.
The bondage or BDSM gave them a way of transferring the stress to a finite (and in the case of online activity,fictional) playing field.
The subs might be people who were too saturated with responsibility in real ife and wanted one place where they weren't overwhelmed with duty (or treated like deities.)
they might also have a life where they have no control or input.
This would be one realm where they could choose when, how and by whom they were ordered about and any abuse would have to be inflicted with their consent.
The tops,of course, had a carefully orchestrated way to manipulate others or give them pain.
In either case,bondage or BDSM would be a means of taking a hellish reality and reducing it to a homeopathic dose.
Spike with a chip in his head.....
She may have found this use for bondage.
If she were adult,she could have worse temporary coping mechanisms than an online only,pistachio RPG with sane,nice, realistic participants.
(That may sound oxymoronic but there are some devotees who have their heads screwed on pretty straight.
Some others are either so warped or so ignorant that they have no idea how to judge the impact of a scenario on the other participants and they could never be trusted to know what could safely be attempted in real life.)
As she is a minor,it would be inappropriate to even try such an outlet.
It would give legal peril to any adult she played with and one can't assume she would have the discernment to avoid the fools and predators.
Still,if she's looked into that lifestyle,it may indicate that she wants a way to vent that's chaste,drug-free, and not too terribly committed.
If she persistently seeks 'recreational mayhem' that is 'safe', then she's not imbedded in self destruction and self loathing.
She still wants to preserve herself for the future.
If even her vices and mistakes retain a streak of prudence and self respect,then her core self is a survivor who would be amenable to reason and not a self-defeating type with no desire to avoid damage.
I picked up on the bondage as being a less invasive, more social version of the cutting.
It's not yoga or rubber bands but it's a step away from physically harmful and isolated behavior.
If her interest means she's looking for options, that might be a good sign.
She might try substituting martial arts or some rigorous physical activity that could give her he adrenal and endorphin rushes she needs but in a setting where someone older,wiser and more trustworthy determined how banged up she got.
She'd also be moving out of the shadows into an activity she wouldn't have to conceal.
(Back to level 2 of her 'safety ladder.')
I hope my intuition is correct that she might want to find solutions and evolve past all the negativity.
Retaining friendship with a grounded,caring individual has to be a good start.
|
|
|
Post by Dr. Purple Goddess on Aug 14, 2005 13:27:20 GMT -5
....Methinks we learn new things about our friends on this forum everyday
|
|
|
Post by quantumcat on Aug 14, 2005 14:03:08 GMT -5
who me? (blinks innocently) Look! PUDDING!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
Post by Charisma69 on Aug 14, 2005 15:30:31 GMT -5
Excellent advice q'cat
And so interesting as to how you would be knowing these things ...
|
|
|
Post by Aunt Arlene on Aug 14, 2005 21:07:38 GMT -5
* starts to wonder about q'cat's "shop" *
|
|
|
Post by tjaman on Aug 15, 2005 22:50:56 GMT -5
My post wasn't meant as a retort. It was a clarification.
You're very perceptive, tho. It had started out as a retort and was rephrased a little more defensively.
I in no way want for there to be an argument in here.
Apologies.
|
|
|
Post by TealBox on Aug 16, 2005 2:43:36 GMT -5
Me and a bunch of my friends (including the girl this thread is about) all had a picnic today, or a better description would be that we bought a bunch of junk food from Dollar General and then ate it on the stage in Main Street Park. She's seemed a lot happier since that night we had that talk (that was also the night she, myself, and a friend of ours all got into an argument about how she over reacts too much and it was driving us nuts). She still complains as much as ever, but she's definitely less gloomy. I have a nasty habit of using pet names on my friends, if you read the poems in the Algonquin you'll notice one them starts out with a list of names I promise not to call that friend anymore, I have a lot of friends who can't stand me calling them hun or muffin, this girl is definitely one of those people who didn't like me using those on her. The other day I used one around her and then apologized and she told me I didn't have to do that. If a version of me from 20 years in the future came back in time to 2005 and told me that my friend never cut herself again I wouldn't be surprised, but also if he told me she cut herself many times in that 20 years I wouldn't be surprised either.
Thank you all. I still don't know a lot about what's going on with the girl, and this is probably all far from over, but I now have multiple perspectives on the stuff that I do know. Any other thoughts to throw in?
|
|
|
Post by Bango on Aug 18, 2005 22:22:30 GMT -5
Any other thoughts to throw in? [glow=orange,2,300]Fire bad. Tree pretty. [/glow]
|
|