It's A Southern Thing

[Rebelman]

It's A Southern Thing

Fully Created by me Chris The Rebelman in 2003.


Ok here we go. Here is what I use to do in high school when I had no life. I let my mind wonder into creative writing since I love to compile my own shows out of my head. Just to give the heads up this is a dysfunctional family with a raunchy style of living.

Setting: Metro Atlanta, Georgia

Characters:


Johnny - Middle aged man, depressed man, sick of his life, and completely hates being married with his kids and his horrible job.

Kate - Wife who practically makes her living doing nothing

Jenny - Tramp of a daughter who is completely lost in life

Ben - Has book smarts but is a complete pervert and feels disconnected with his family

Grandmother - The tough ol Breward in the family. Speaks her mind and just says it like it is. A lady of God and has trouble convincing her family of this.

Now on to the Pilot Episode.

[Rebelman]

It's A Southern Thing

"The Pilot"

Created by Chris The Rebelman

[At the House] (Phone Ringing)

Grandmother: (talking on the phone) Hello
Adjustable bed salesman Hello Ma'am. How would you like to own a new bed and have us give you a free presentation.
Grandmother: No I do not!!
Salesman Oh come on! We're actually waisting our time giving your old behind a demonstration.
Grandmother Listen here jerk off!. Do you have cheese in your ears. I said I don't want it!
Salesman Are you sure? It is a great deal for your redneck goodness
Grandmother Why don't you just shove the bed where the sun don't shine. (Guy hangs up)

Johnny enters in from work

Johnny (opens the front door) . . . . Remind me again why I keep living again?
Grandmother What's wrong darling?
Johnny Isn't me working for a freaking womens clothes store for enlarged carcuses bad enough.
Grandmother (bumping gums) I'm sorry, I should have known. You never listen to me.
Johnny Where's Kate at?
Grandmother Oh she is out spending your money, you know the usual.
Johnny Well I guess that is why when I bought a pack of gum my check I wrote for it bounced.
(sits in his chair)

Enter Kate

Kate (opens front door) Hi honey, you like my new dress?
Johnny How much did it cost cupcake?
Kate Uh...uh...(looks at $500 price tag) just 20 bucks.
Grandmother Really now, hten how come that price tag says $500 (smiles)
Johnny Thanks for breaking my love, you dumb stupid sea hag.

Jenny & Ben come in front door

Ben Mom I'm starving
Kate So am I, so what ya going to do about it?
Johnny Your mother is lazy, all she does is watch Dr. Phil and Opera all day. Can't you see the even dents in the sofa.

The Very Next Day

Jenny Hey Granny, what cha doing.
Grandmother Nothing
Jenny You keep looking at me funny. Do you think I am a tramp?
Grandmother Yes sweetheart I do. My blind mother could tell you too. Your light is definetly burning out.
JennyWell I am not. I just have to look reveiling to attract men ya know. That doesn't mean I don't believe in God.
Grandmother I guess that means I should go outside topless to get me a man
Jenny No. You'd scare all the men away!
Grandmother Better for you. Except the poor children who will have seisures afterward. And blindness but that is only temporary.

Later That day

(Johnny is watching TV)
Kate I finally got you alone. Let's make love right here, right now!
Johnny(perplexed look) I'd rather play naked twister with Roseanne Arnold.
Kate But Johnny we never do anything anymore
Johnny And that is just the way I like it. Something I can enjoy.

Grandmother walks in

Grandmother I am so sick of these commericial calls
Johnny Do what I do tell them you have syphallus and Gonarrhea and it is your special time of the month and you are pennyless.
Kate Yes, that usually gives them the idea we have nothing to offer.
Grandmother I see......and by the Johnny, yo mommy called for you today.
Johnny Like I really want to talk to that crazy Jezebell.

Next day
(Phone Rings)

Grandmother(on phone) Listen up slap nut, I don't have time to listen to this crap.
Roy Huh!!!....(and just keeps running his mouth about his crap)
Grandmother Oh me!! I am so sick of listening to this.
Roy I went to the slot machine and I lost all my money. I just couldn't stop; I thought I would truly win something big.
Grandmother All your meaningless materialistic crap. It's your own cotton picking fault. and nobody else's, Toothless prick!
RoyI can't help it, I'm addicted.
Grandmother You lost soul. I suggest getting help because your time is running thin plus the pot belly isn't making things any prettier either. Other than that nobody cares. Goodbye (hangs phone up)

Johnny, Kate, Jenny, and Ben come in front door

Johnny Hey Granny, there is some fat guy outside bound determined to bring you a bed fixing to come in here.
Grandmother Must be my long lost lover the sweetish Meatball.
Kate Yeah me and Johnny can fool around on it in different positions since it is "adjustable".
Johnny Not in this lifetime crumbcake.
Ben Everybody knows that Jenny is a bed hopper.
Jenny AM TOO!!

Fat guy and bed come in

Fat Guy Here you are lady the bed you need. You're free demonstration.
Grandmother Listen up you fat tub of lard. Get out of this house now!!
Fat Guy Why? this is a good deal you can just spread yourself on it.
Kate Hey fatty, lay on the bed.
Fat guy Alright
Johnny Kids..........show tubbo what we do to salesmen.
Jenny and Ben OK DAD!!
(they open the door and rolls him real fast out the door and he flies down the doorsteps laying on the bed)
Fat Guy AHHHHHH
Grandmother Finally!! No more salesman
JohnyLet this be a lesson to everybody. Think twice before you bring cheap expensive crap into this house trying to sell it, you'll be given awful treatment. We're the only ones aloud to bring such garbage into this house and not use it.. Never mess with this family.

The End

[tjaman]

When Jack Chick writes a sitcom ...

* jaw working * Well, you were writing it for fun, and I'm guessing that it plays out a lot better in the multimedia presentation in your head than it does in cold, hard type. When you can see these people and hear them you probably get a better sense of the comedy.

You did have a few comic images.

Just, overall ...

* sigh * When you mentioned Roseanne I got all nostalgic for when Joss was writing the show, and how much cooler it seemed after I discovered that fact.

I do miss me my 'verse.

Thanks for sharing, all the same. Like you said, you got creative.

[GreatMuppetyNick]

Ummm ... Reb.

Have you by any chance seen "Married ... with Children" ?

[Rebelman]

nickseng said:

Ummm ... Reb.

Have you by any chance seen "Married ... with Children" ?

Some yes but I actually put some basis on my life as a general statement. You seen food hunger. I didn't get fed. You seen parents that didn't like each other. Had it. Son that didn't get paid any attention. had it. Non caring mother. had it. No figure of a dad. had it. Outspoken grandmother, have it. This is a spin and play on my life you have here.

The underlying message is a cry for help within the context. That is why I originally wrote it.

[GreatMuppetyNick]

oh... okay

[quantumcat]

keep your old version along with the new one.

my friend Cam wrote a movie about his life
and some of the critics complained that it was
just another 'coming of age in a small town'
story.

but all of it (alcoholic dad and all) was real.

People will love your story because it rings
true and seems familiar but you need to add
something new and maybe a little over the top
so it won't be so like what they've seen (and lived)
before that they avoid it.

you might watch 'Mama's Family' and 'Married
with Children' to pick up on what NOT to do.

then i think your stories will tell themselves.

when you know each character so well you
know their favorite food,what scares them,who
they voted for,their best teacher's name,etc. (even
if you never include that in a script) you'll know
how they'd react in a situation as soon as you see it.

Good luck!

[tjaman]

HEY!

Vicki Lawrence is a gosh-darn genius and I don't care who knows it.

[quantumcat]

that she is.

but scary....

i *knew* that family!

not one whit of that was exaggerated.

(more's the pity)

[tjaman]

Doubtless she was hanging out the window taking notes.

* for one, single, solitary, split-second misses Eunice *

[quantumcat]

i felt for Eunice.

i didn't have her build but the psyche
and hairdo are very familiar.

Plus,remember all the one shot brothers?

they never 'got' the folks at home any more
than the rednecks got them.

the series was fun to watch but the skits
hit way too close to home.