Aug. 31, 2006

[tjaman]

Work went really long today because I wanted to get everything I possibly could read before I left for the day. Tomorrow I've got something like 13 pages to build before I can go on vacation so tomorrow's gonna go really long.

A couple of days ago my mom called to tell me my uncle -- whose mind has just been crippled with Alzheimer's for the past five years or so and especially since his wife died -- had passed on. And was thinking initially that I would attend the funeral.

I was torn. On one hand, I really liked this guy. He was my first boss, and he was a good guy in general.

On the other hand, I've not been really close to him for many years and while I feel bad for him and his family, the funeral is 250 miles away, I'm really committed to quitting smoking this weekend -- taking the five days I'm taking off to focus and burn through the especially difficult first few days of the not-smoking thing. 500 miles on the road and the emotional turmoil of a funeral is a really bad way to start that.

A cousin of mine in town here is heading down and called today to ask if I was going, and I said I'd thought about it but I wouldn't be able to make it. And he talked about how another of my uncles is in really bad shape and I should make an effort to see him before he dies.

I'm ... a little worried about my reaction here.

I love these men. I also know for a fact that when we parted company it was on excellent terms. There's nothing unsaid and nothing I'd change. I'm at peace with them and within myself, and making the trip ... I'm not up to it financially.

This might upset other people but I'm ok with not attending funerals, especially when there have been so many in the past few years and it always feels like I'm the guy whose there to be strong for everyone else.

These seem like exhausting and draining affairs, especially when I'd really prefer the opportunity to grieve privately, to let the thoughts and memories surface, to remember them as I do, and to not feel like I had to perform some kind of function when I'm not really completely ok myself.

There's expense involved, sure, but I'd survive. Mostly it's the sense that as my parents' brothers and sisters pass on, that's a step away from something I'm really not ready to face, and that's their own passage. And there isn't even a question as to whether I'll go then or not.

It's selfish. I'm a bad person. I should go there and be that pillar of strength for my mom, for other people.

I can't afford it. Not financially. Less emotionally. My uncle died and another uncle is in bad shape and the role I have for these people is this rock for other people to rely on and I can't do it. My grandmother's funeral nearly killed me. I ... can't do it.

Let my memories be my memories, and my grief be my grief. It's not for display. I've got 13 pages to build tomorrow. I need to rebuild myself a little. My apartment is in complete disarray right now, a week's worth of clothes scattered everywhere because I can't focus on that. I can't focus on anything.

I need to rebuild. Ever since his diagnosis I've been grieving my uncle and my mom's phone call on Monday focused it into a hard bright light. My first question -- before I asked how his daughter, who a few months ago lost her husband to completely unexpected and inexplicable heart failure -- while they were on vacation -- was how she, my mom, was doing.Her first reaction was that she wanted me there.

I can't face it. I really can't deal with this. My cousin's first reaction was I have to be there. My mom talked about my uncle being really sick and the only thing I could think of was how strong he's always been, how a rapid passage would be a blessing because I know it would be unacceptable for him to be laid up and wasting away.

I need to remember him how I saw him in June after a day spent working in his yard, flushed with the sun and still so full of life. I can't be there. When my grandmother died I hadn't seen her since before she fell, and I hadn't seen her crumple into a shell of herself. She couldn't even talk to me, take the phone, two weeks before she died. My memories of her were still in good health, still well (her progression was sudden).

It's now ... why does it have to be now? .. I needed this time. But also, why now? Why when there's so much devastation? Why can't I grieve my memories of what's lost rather than the shell that remained?

It doesn't make it any less real.

Sorry -- I've mostly been sifting conflicts, thinking out loud this whole time. A friend of mine called tonight. We had a great conversation. I've been watching the VMAs and consuming too much media. I've been sleep deprived, things have been falling apart around me, work is too hard, there's just so damn much to do, it never freeqin' stops and I just dammit need some time to rebuild.

G-d forgive me, I just can't be everyone's expectations for who I'm supposed to be.

Occasionally, I really do need to be me.

Night everyone.

[GreatMuppetyNick]

I wish I knew the right words to say.


For what it's worth, I had exactly the same reaction when my Dad was pronounced with cancer.

[quantumcat]

Do what your heart says is right.

You've been there when it counted and you will be again.

Funereals tend to get too hectic and bogged down.

Histrionics,depression or just another family reunion.

Rather than get lost in the shuffle,be present in spirit by calling a few times,
sending something useful (if they need food,etc.) or going online with your loved ones.

You could give a LOT more after the hoo-rah is over and folks just need some quiet
support and love.

That's when a donation to a cause he loved,taking part in an Alzheimer's walk-a-thon,
an article on caregiver's relief, a letter of reminiscences or just a hug would mean a lot.

Flowers,casseroles and tears can be somewhat temporary.

The eulogies and all are part of closure.

Sometimes we need someone to keep our loved ones present (especially if they're alive.)

We need someone to show that they are important.

They have a legacy.

Sharing what you loved about these men,what you learned from them,telling about the
ways they still make themselves felt today.....

That's what will have lasting significance.

Your family will need someone to listen to them,laugh with them and even help them
be angry.

Being physically distant now might mean you can be spiritually present at important times.

Let your soul tell you what you need to do and let it give you peace about the wisdom it gives you.

God won't lead you into a mistake.

Whatever comes next,you'll wind up doing the right thing at the right time for yourself
and your loved ones.

[dEz]

You mention going or not going because you're not especially close to that uncle anymore ... but you dont always go for the people that have died, but for the people that are still living as for support.

For me I'd go, because you can take a vacation day, or quit smoking another week. This is one shot ... that's it and it's gone. You just dont know how long you have with people.

You wrote allot here, so my impression is that you could be experiencing some conflict emotion wise on what to do. If you are feeling guilty now about not going, I dont think that's a good thing either. Guilty if you dont go, feeling jipped out of what you want to do if you do. Sorta puts you in a no-win situation. Which only means you cant be happy with either choice here.

So ... I would say try to remove that guilt, commit to a solid decision one way or another and then put it behind you and feel good about it. That's what I always do, and I dont stress about too much in general by nature.

Hope that helps.

[tjaman]

Thanks guys. Seriously.

The truth is, I am deeply conflicted about this.

It really feels like I'm asking people to schedule their deaths around my schedule. And times like this I really do feel incredibly distant physically. Minot is way the hell and gone.

I could catch a ride with other people who are going.

I want to talk myself out of it. I want to be ok with this.

Because every time I plan something, something else comes out of nowhere and just destroys it.

And I know my uncle didn't die to spite me in anyway and I know he's ok with me not being there.

I've needed time I either don't have or haven't taken to write a long letter to my cousin who's been there every day for him, and I've had this incredibly stupidly busy week.

I'm ... really not in a good place right now.

[quantumcat]

dez,you are wise as always.

I think there are some concepts we can agree on working their way through a lot
of these threads.

1. Keep the lines of communication open with the people who matter.
Even if you're far apart physically,emotionally or time has put distance between you,
keep some way of touching base available.

Sometimes it's easier to email a joke or put a snack out on a counter or write a note than
to make a phone call or talk to someone face-to-face.

You can't ignore what's going on here and now but there should be an oasis where none
of that applies.

There needs to be a constant ,a refuge that everyone can rely on in good times and bad...
a way of saying "This,too,shall pass but we'll be here when it's over."

2. You have to stay true to yourself to survive or be any use to others.

We won't have every aspect of our lives be perfect.

There will always be second guessing,regrets and desires for a ret-con.

But,ultimately,we can move on even when things have reached their worst and we suffer
the least damage when we forget what's comfortable,popular,expedient or expected and go
with what our gut says is the right choice.

We feel about as bad as we can get when we think we have no choice ,we think our needs don't matter or we think we've selected a path that goes against our authentic selves.

There's no guarantee of happily ever afters but you get a better grade of misery by insisting on keeping it real.

We don't get a lot of ulcers and lost sleep from the times we were honest,daring,and applied agape and common sense.

Love yourself.
Love the people around you.
LIKING is optional.

About all we can do is make the best decisions we know how then live with the consequences-and each beat of our heart is a fresh chance to get it right.

[dEz]

quantumcat said:

About all we can do is make the best decisions we know how then live with the consequences-and each beat of our heart is a fresh chance to get it right.

Exactly right.

The stress you feel is the stress you place upon yourself. You cant physically be in 2 places at the same time. Come to terms that not everything on your wish list, or the wish list of others is going to get done this weekend.

And if you can realize that this is an impossiblity, then why the guilt? You cant walk on water either ...

[Charisma69]

I am so very sorry to hear about your Uncle tj.
I wish there was something I could do or say to make it better - but I really suck at this.

You sound really depressed right now and I'm pretty worried about you. Dez is right, you can't let the guilt eat you up inside. Make a firm decision one way or another and then stick with it in your mind. Don't let yourself worry about the other choice you could have made here.

If you're not up to the trip you're not up to the trip. People will just have to get over that. Don't let them get you down. People should understand that not everyone has the money to drop everything and attend a funeral.

On the other hand, if it's really going to eat you up inside by not going - and it really sounds like it is - maybe you should catch a ride with someone else and go. This way you won't destroy yourself anymore emotionally with all the guilt.

Guilt is a bad, bad thing.

*hugs tj*

I do know that only time can make this better. Please don't sit around letting yourself get destroyed by guilt. I really am worried about you.

[tjaman]

I'm so buried in work today but I needed to surface to thank everyone, really, for the heartfelt and the help.

I think I decided about 1:16 p.m. that realistically I could not go.

If you make every moment of your life with people count, then you have nothing to regret when you lose them. My other uncle who is ill might die on his way there. He might live another five years. Pathologies progress differently in different people. I can't be everywhere (the walking on water comment was cool, dez ) and I can't attend things just because we're all sickly and frail and it could be the Last Time.

It can always be the last time. Life is terminal.

So really, thanks for the hugs and the kind thoughts. They are bearing me up today and deeply appreciated. right back atcha.

[dEz]

There you go! That's the attitude. It is very unfortunate, it sounds like you weren't extremely close, but there's still loss and it's hard on everyone.

Now dont you feel better you've made a decision and you aren't letting it eat you up alive?

Best wishes for you and your fam.



PS-- That was really nicely said Cords!

[quantumcat]

Ditto,Cordy....

Y'all are all great.

tj,we love you,we know you're doing the right thing and our thoughts are with you
and those you love.

Take care,y'all!

[Charisma69]

dez4web said:

PS-- That was really nicely said Cords!

Thanks Dez.

I'm so glad to hear you've made your decision tj and you have a more positive outlook on it. I really was worried about you.

[TheMasterGeek]

My heart goes out to you and your family, tj.

I know you were being pulled into two different directions, which is always tough, but I'm glad you were able to come to a clear decision. You will always be there for your family in spirit, and will be the rock afterwards You will always be there for them, it was just that situations prevented you from going this time, and they will understand that given time.

You and yours will be in my thoughts.