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Post by tjaman on Mar 8, 2007 21:13:09 GMT -5
I'm wondering how I'm supposed to incorporate this into my view of the world.
I've cleared my evening twice now to meet with my pastor, needing a certain amount of counseling because I'm depressed and it's manifesting as a lack of faith in G-d.
Last week I called to cancel because the weather was foul, and we marked down tonight for sure at 7 p.m.
I've only got his number at church so I haven't called him to see why he's blown me off.
But I'm getting to be pretty much done with church. G-d and other people can't disappoint you if you don't give them a chance to.
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Post by quantumcat on Mar 8, 2007 23:02:33 GMT -5
Does your church have a website you could check for a home phone or email?
How about other parishoners who might know how to reach him?
He might have had a conflict come up he couldn't avoid.
Or perhaps there's some reason you needed to see this pastor as a regular,fallible man- a putz even....
God only knows.
But you're right to make the distinction between your biochemistry and your spiritual condition.
Physical glitches can manifest as a dysfunction of the soul as easily as the other way around.
Back off if you need to and let God make housecalls-or use this as an opportunity to do a little seeking and evolving.
Just don't get locked into the notion that your faith has failed you or you 're failing it.
To use physical analogies,sometimes we get very uncomfortable when diseased or numb parts of our flesh come alive again.
The 'pins and needles' ,itching ,burning or non-existant creepy-crawlies are all due to our body recovering its ability to feel.
When we have growth spurts, the parts of us that are growing at different rates and changing faster than we can adapt get tired ,feeble and achy and can even be in severe pain.
When we are putting on muscle,our bodies get sore and weary from the new demands made on it.
Our minds and spirits can be just as miserable and dysfunctional when they are in the process of improving as our outer husks.
Our old selves don't fit anymore and the new hasn't been broken in yet.
So we get growing pains.
We become restless and fatigued and melancholy and irascible and spooked all because we're in flux and nothing feels as it should-especially what we seek out to provide solace and sustenance.
The last thing we want is to endure is this sort of agonizing metamorphosis,this psychic puberty but it is part of our making progress as spiritual beings.
Whether we are realigning our neurochemistry or advancing in our souls' maturity, we're going to find ourselves resenting the interruption of our comfort and equanimity.
Even worse,there's no reason to say we can't suffer from both maladies at the same time.
(One stress triggering the other)
But either of these problems is self-limiting.
Both can be overcome.
Each can lead to a stronger self than the one that existed before the malaise took over.
The trick is to believe that the wrongness can be addressed,identified and defeated and that there is more awaiting than renewal and recovery.
There will be a restructuring that takes the best of the original self along with all the broken bits and creates a whole that is infinitely richer than the sum of its more limited components.
It's hard not to be confused ,hurt and angry when confronted by a series of roadblocks.
But, sometimes,we'd never travel the truly rewarding paths or reach the better destinations if we weren't forced to detour from the old,comfortable territory and wander in the places that have yet to be mapped and tamed.
Maybe some of your distress is that of the newborn babe.
The most you can perceive now is the theft of the ease and familiarity of what you'd known.
Will everything ahead of you be glorious?
Don't bet on it.
But there will be new strengths bestowed and some astoundingly pleasurable and purposeful adventures.
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Post by tjaman on Mar 9, 2007 0:15:30 GMT -5
I took a nice long walk and it mostly calmed me down.
But I'm feeling kind of let down. The meds are working fine, but I've needed to talk some stuff out for about a year now. And I'd been putting it off until I'd really identified some of the problems.
I've been feeling better about some things. I've been feeling healthier, for one thing. But some stuff is really eating at me. Like I've really had the sense that I'm only valuable when I'm useful. Someone needs something -- comfort, support, assistance, I've been on the speed dial for years, be it for work, for church or for the theater. If I find I have any needs I have to pretty much work that out on my own. Everyone else's problems are way more important than mine.
That and this whole being alone thing gets old sometimes.
Basically, this town is pissing me off. I work hard, I love my job and I'm good at it. I don't understand why I'm broke all the time. Other people who don't do significantly more than me and certainly not discernably better than I do it make three times what I make.
I think I need to get more active about this job search thing.
And definitely visit the other church.
And hopefully find some way for it not to feel like I'm just going just to go, if that makes sense.
Thanks tho, q. You are so consistently here for me and for all of us when we need someone. It's ... really appreciated.
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Post by quantumcat on Mar 9, 2007 5:42:04 GMT -5
Thanks,tj.
Maybe it's time for you to practice a little healthy selfishness.
Step back and get a new perspective.
You are not valuable for what you accomplish.
You accomplish all you do because of your values.
You insist on being a good steward of your life.
Guess what, kid?
You're a gift-not a given.
Try letting the other folk be blessed by giving while you receive.
Accept for yourself all the respect and caring you offer everyone else.
You know why your Comfort Zone quit being comfy?
It started turning into the Phantom Zone where everything begins to lose substance.
No wonder that's used as a punishment.
You need to look at the world obliquely for a bit so the familiar can be sensed fully again.
If you have to play hero,be a fan,a mentor ,a critic,anything that lets everyone else learn to achieve under their own power and even nurture you for a change.
This journey of self discovery isn't about burnout or desertion.
It's a sabbatical where you relearn how to taste/see/hear/touch/smell the world around you and you reaffirm your worth as well as discovering the worth of your fellows.
Go for the new challenges even as you rediscover what merits cherishing in the midst of the old.
Think of these explorations as your version of a walkabout.
Follow a new path,dream some different dreams and find yourself in a place of Sacred Belongingness-whether you're leaving your former life behind or coming full circle.
You're not abandoning substandard elements of your past.
You're snatching up the raw materials for a future worthy of you.
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Post by tjaman on Mar 9, 2007 14:09:37 GMT -5
I can't say I'm entirely understanding your response, but I'll meditate on it.
Today's going ok. Not great, but ok. Work's going pretty well, anyway, and we're moving set pieces after work to get some painting done this weekend.
It's a glorious day, so at least we've got the weather pulling for us.
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Post by quantumcat on Mar 9, 2007 15:20:31 GMT -5
That'll teach me to advise while asleep.
I think I'm saying that you should blow off anything or anyone that undervalues you.
Go on hiatus a while and forget about depleting yourself for everyone else.
Let the world look after itself and maybe even cosset you a bit.
Use the time you're going to be fallow to experience new and different things that can re-energize you.
You're not saying that all of your life now sucks but you are saying it's losing its savor.
You need to shake things up a bit.
You need to set aside anything that doesn't work for you and make you happy.
You're having to tap dance to feel as if you're earned the right to breathe only what you do is never enough to see your own needs filled.
That's incorrect thinking.
Again,you aren't valuable for what you do but for who you are.
Good works aren't the means of your being a whole person.
They are a consequence of your strengths.
So,stop the frenetic attempts to prove yourself or find something in your life that makes you feel alive.
What you have now is too same old/same old to register.
Get out and experience new things and new people that can make an impression.
Above all,get involved in feeding your soul instead of emptying it out on behalf of other people.
Let Life cherish you a bit.
Taking some time for tj to be a priority will benefit everyone.
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