I'm back, did you miss me?

[Charisma69]

Hey gang, I'm taking a rare break from Brad so I figured I'd catch you up to what's going on in my life.

Enzo is turning 16 this Tuesday, which is huge. I can't believe my son is already 16. It's so crazy. I'm not even grown up yet and he's almost a legal adult.

Heather moved out - pretty much without notice. See, last weekend she said she was spending it in Potosi with the guy she'd just started dating. I told her about my concerns but she's an adult and sort of capable of making her own decisions.

She just always runs head first into these relationships and then doesn't understand why they end badly. You don't spend a weekend with a guy you barely know.

Well, she told me she'd be home on Monday but she wasn't. I talked to her on the phone and she said she'd be home later that night.

On Tuesday she went through Drive Thru (in a pick up truck that I assume belongs to that guy) and told me that she'd be home later that night. Well, she didn't come home again.

On Wednesday Enzo and I were talking about how long she'd been gone. I decided to look in her room and realized that half her stuff was gone.

So, I called her and got her voice mail. So I left a message that said, "Hey I noticed half your stuff is gone. Are you moving out and just forgot to tell me?"

She texted me back later and said, "Got ur msg yes n the process of moving out. Beem (that was her misspelling) busy with rest (the restaurant that guy owns) will call u soon."

I just wonder how long she was actually going to wait before telling me that she was moving out.

She's moving in with that guy she just started seeing. I think that's completely insane.

Brad is happy about it though. He's been wanting me to kick her out for ages.

See, when I let her stay here nearly a year ago it was supposed to be a temporary thing. She was supposed to be trying to save money to get her own place.

So, I didn't tell her she had to help with the bills because I figured if she was doing that it'd be hard for her to save money.

Well, then she hurt her back so she was stuck here even longer. And since I felt bad for her I didn't press her to help me out with bills.

She'd sometimes give me a little money to help out. As time wore on she gave me less and less money.

Then, thanks to all the drama that usually surrounds her she lost her job at McDonald's. Of course she was able to get unemployment. She told me that she would start paying me $50 every week when she got her check. She did that the first week but never again.

While this is going on Brad keeps telling me that she's using me and I need to tell her to either pay me or to get out.

Heather's my friend - despite how crazy she can be - and friendship is more important to me than money. I didn't want to end up getting into a huge fight and ending our friendship so I kept putting the talk off. It never seemed to be the right time.

In the meantime I was struggling financially since the utilities had gone way up and various little things kept happening.

I would try hinting to Heather about how difficult things were thinking she'd offer to help but it didn't work.

So, as I was finally getting upset enough to actually confront her she decided to up and move out before we could talk.

I really don't know that things are going to work out with this guy. They're moving too fast. I've seen her do this over and over again - only usually not the moving in part. She wants me to meet him. She's says he's the one - but she's said that before.

Brad told me not to let her come back if things don't work out with him. I don't know if I can do that to her. She is my friend, she's just really lost.

She's more worried about going out and partying that being a responsible adult. Now I see why her Mom didn't want her to move in with her. She knew Heather would be a mooch.

I really do hope that maybe this time she really has found the right guy because that would save me lots of trouble. Then we can still be friends and I won't have to have that hard conversation with her.

That can happen, right?

[Aunt Arlene]

Wow. Just wow. Here's hoping it's the right guy.

And yes, we missed you.

[TheMasterGeek]

Ditto.

Also, I have a friend who is exactly like Heather in the fact that she moves entirely too fast for her own good.

But its good to hear from you.

[GreatMuppetyNick]

Well, I'm exactly like Heather, so .... yeah

Lots of luck to her, and we miss you lots.

[Dr. Purple Goddess]

Wow Cordy, sounds like things have been a bit crazy for you. I've known people like your friend.... most of them when I worked in the mental hospital lol.

But seriously, I think Brad is on to something. It's one thing to be a friend, but it's another to enable her to continue self-destructive patterns. You'd be a better friend to her by making her deal with the consequences of her actions. I hope this guy is different for her and she can build a solid and lasting relationship with him. But, historically it's probably going to end badly and you need to be strong and not be the one to help pick up the pieces for her.

Everyone has to grow up sometime. Sounds like Heather needs a wake up call. You have your own life to worry about. All you can do is be there for her but without putting yourself in a bad way to do it.

I hope it works out OK. And I've missed everyone around here. I too do not get around here as often as I'd like. Seems life has me pretty busy these days as well.

[quantumcat]

Cordy,Feigy,you don't know how much you're missed!!!


Cordy,I hope there's been a hefty supply of good to offset all that hassle.

I've done a bit off enabling myself.

About all one can do and stay in one piece is limit your support to information,
advice ,prayer or other things that help folks do for themselves.

At least,she took care of unemployment herself.

You are NOT her parent or caseworker.

The most you can do is steer her to someone who could and should get her
interviews,treatment,disability,voc rehab or what have you.

She may not have had a way to fend for herself or pay you but ,as she recovers,
she owes you more than just removing herself as a further drain on your resources.

I'd like to see her get counselling.

Her injuries and other tough breaks would warrant that.

It might help her if she were feeling guilty,helpless,usewless,angry and afraid.

She doesn't need to feel like a cripple or loser but acting as if all is peachy doesn't help.

If possible,she needs to get some professional input to aid her in recovering from her
past stresses and moving ahead in a positive way.

In the process,maybe that job counselling/rehab/whatever could help her with her people
skills,her relationships and general life issues like finances.

Being able to do one little thing ,take one constructive step,could give her the confidence
to rework her whole life.

Otherwise,the pressure to be a functional grown-up and do right by those who have helped
her might prompt her to give up and flee to one source of instant bliss then another.

Before she can improve,she has to believe she can get better and she has to admit there's need
for improvement.

The wrong sort of enabling tells people they can't get better, have nothing to change or will
have other people taking the responsibility for them.

The right sort says you'll help them get the tools they need,give them guidance and be at their
side no matter what.

But,it remains their life and their job to make the most of it.

Brad is right that a friendship isn't a parasitic relationship.

It doesn't weaken the strong friend and leave the other still unable to survive on her own.

It's a symbiosis where the two are stronger together than either would be without the other.

Think of your bond with Enzo.

You did everything for him when he was unable to exist without you.

As he matured,he could meet more and more of his own needs.

The closer he's gotten to manhood, the more he's been able to care for and
support you.

When that independence and reciprocity is absent,both sides can feel pretty
empty and resentful.

You believe in your son enough to let him have the biggest say over his own
life.

You believe in him enough to let him be a giver and not just a taker.

Believe enough in Heather that she can be a friend and not your patient.

If she needs a conservator,see that she gets one.

If she needs a friend,be the kind who knows she can be a whole,dynamic,
responsible human being.

Be the kind of friend to her -and yourself-that you'd want her to be to you
if the situation were reversed.

"If you give a man a fish,he eats for a day.

If you teach a man to fish,he eats for a lifetime.

If you catch,clean and cook a man a fish,he'll start treating you like Captain D's.

Loan him a pole and a cooler,give him directions to the lake and the bait shop,
and have him hushpuppies and coleslaw waiting and he can keep you both
in fish every Friday."

[Charisma69]

Thanks for all the wonderful advice guys. I know that's what I need to do to help her. Sometimes it's just easier said than done.

She moved the rest of her stuff out on Sunday night, so I finally got to meet the guy she's dating. He seems nice. I still think she's moving too fast.

His battery went dead in the truck just as they were getting ready to leave so we ended up getting to bed late after trying to help them get going.

Then, I ended up getting really, really sick. In the words of Dawn I had ... well, you get the picture ...

It sucked. I think it was from the White Castle's we had for dinner.

Poor Brad didn't get much sleep since I kept getting out of bed. I ended up having to miss work. He had to work on very little sleep.

Heather was supposed to bring me some manicotti she made yesterday. She never showed up with it. I was too sick to eat it but she didn't know that - or so I thought.

Turns out she went by McDonald's to give it to me. Gaby told her I was sick so she gave the manicotti to Gaby. Gaby told me about it at work today.

Heather also told us she was treating us to dinner tonight for Enzo's birthday at her boyfriends family restaurant. Then she sent me a text message last night saying she had to cancel. I actually had a feeling she'd do that when she told us she was taking us out.

I'm trying to get my son to say where he wants to eat for his birthday but he's not really that hungry right now so I'm not sure what we're doing.