It's A Southern Thing
"The Pilot"
Created by Chris The Rebelman
[At the House] (Phone Ringing)Grandmother: (talking on the phone) Hello
Adjustable bed salesman Hello Ma'am. How would you like to own a new bed and have us give you a free presentation.
Grandmother: No I do not!!
Salesman Oh come on! We're actually waisting our time giving your old behind a demonstration.
Grandmother Listen here jerk off!. Do you have cheese in your ears. I said I don't want it!
Salesman Are you sure? It is a great deal for your redneck goodness
Grandmother Why don't you just shove the bed where the sun don't shine. (Guy hangs up)
Johnny enters in from workJohnny (opens the front door) . . . . Remind me again why I keep living again?
Grandmother What's wrong darling?
Johnny Isn't me working for a freaking womens clothes store for enlarged carcuses bad enough.
Grandmother (bumping gums) I'm sorry, I should have known. You never listen to me.
Johnny Where's Kate at?
Grandmother Oh she is out spending your money, you know the usual.
Johnny Well I guess that is why when I bought a pack of gum my check I wrote for it bounced.
(sits in his chair)
Enter KateKate (opens front door) Hi honey, you like my new dress?
Johnny How much did it cost cupcake?
Kate Uh...uh...(looks at $500 price tag) just 20 bucks.
Grandmother Really now, hten how come that price tag says $500 (smiles)
Johnny Thanks for breaking my love, you dumb stupid sea hag.
Jenny & Ben come in front doorBen Mom I'm starving
Kate So am I, so what ya going to do about it?
Johnny Your mother is lazy, all she does is watch Dr. Phil and Opera all day. Can't you see the even dents in the sofa.
The Very Next DayJenny Hey Granny, what cha doing.
Grandmother Nothing
Jenny You keep looking at me funny. Do you think I am a tramp?
Grandmother Yes sweetheart I do. My blind mother could tell you too. Your light is definetly burning out.
JennyWell I am not. I just have to look reveiling to attract men ya know. That doesn't mean I don't believe in God.
Grandmother I guess that means I should go outside topless to get me a man
Jenny No. You'd scare all the men away!
Grandmother Better for you. Except the poor children who will have seisures afterward. And blindness but that is only temporary.
Later That day(Johnny is watching TV)
Kate I finally got you alone. Let's make love right here, right now!
Johnny(perplexed look) I'd rather play naked twister with Roseanne Arnold.
Kate But Johnny we never do anything anymore
Johnny And that is just the way I like it. Something I can enjoy.
Grandmother walks inGrandmother I am so sick of these commericial calls
Johnny Do what I do tell them you have syphallus and Gonarrhea and it is your special time of the month and you are pennyless.
Kate Yes, that usually gives them the idea we have nothing to offer.
Grandmother I see......and by the Johnny, yo mommy called for you today.
Johnny Like I really want to talk to that crazy Jezebell.
Next day(Phone Rings)
Grandmother(on phone) Listen up slap nut, I don't have time to listen to this crap.
Roy Huh!!!....(and just keeps running his mouth about his crap)
Grandmother Oh me!! I am so sick of listening to this.
Roy I went to the slot machine and I lost all my money. I just couldn't stop; I thought I would truly win something big.
Grandmother All your meaningless materialistic crap. It's your own cotton picking fault. and nobody else's, Toothless prick!
RoyI can't help it, I'm addicted.
Grandmother You lost soul. I suggest getting help because your time is running thin plus the pot belly isn't making things any prettier either. Other than that nobody cares. Goodbye (hangs phone up)
Johnny, Kate, Jenny, and Ben come in front doorJohnny Hey Granny, there is some fat guy outside bound determined to bring you a bed fixing to come in here.
Grandmother Must be my long lost lover the sweetish Meatball.
Kate Yeah me and Johnny can fool around on it in different positions since it is "adjustable".
Johnny Not in this lifetime crumbcake.
Ben Everybody knows that Jenny is a bed hopper.
Jenny AM TOO!!
Fat guy and bed come in
Fat Guy Here you are lady the bed you need. You're free demonstration.
Grandmother Listen up you fat tub of lard. Get out of this house now!!
Fat Guy Why? this is a good deal you can just spread yourself on it.
Kate Hey fatty, lay on the bed.
Fat guy Alright
Johnny Kids..........show tubbo what we do to salesmen.
Jenny and Ben OK DAD!!
(they open the door and rolls him real fast out the door and he flies down the doorsteps laying on the bed)
Fat Guy AHHHHHH
Grandmother Finally!! No more salesman
JohnyLet this be a lesson to everybody. Think twice before you bring cheap expensive crap into this house trying to sell it, you'll be given awful treatment. We're the only ones aloud to bring such garbage into this house and not use it.. Never mess with this family.
The End